Severe Weather MSA Testing Protocols

The MSA is the Maryland State Assessment.  In the schools I work at it is given to 3rd, 4th, and 5th grade.  In my single year of experience I have seen how ridiculously strict they are.  Anyone who in any way would be involved in the test had to go through "training."  Essentially my training as an accommodator (I read and wrote for a student whose accommodations require it) was over an hour of learning about how not to cheat on the test and give them the answers and a list of all of the consequences that can occur if you do so knowingly or otherwise.  They are even taking a random test of the erase marks on tests to find patterns.  Basically, they scare the living daylights out of us.  I was not the only teacher extremely nervous on the first day of testing that I would somehow do something slightly wrong and be sent to jail.  It was ridiculous.  The kids were stressed out because the teachers have to care way more than they should about them.  It's just a mess.  But ranting about how terrible the MSAs are for learning is not the point of this.... I just gave you all of those details as a preface for the hilarity that is the following spoof.  My wife forwarded it to me from somebody at her workplace and it quickly made it around my schools.

Severe Weather Testing Protocols During~MSA Testing

Should a severe weather situation occur during testing, please remain

calm. To display any kind of anxiety would be a testing irregularity and

must be reported.

Please do not look out the window to watch for approaching tornadoes.

You must monitor the students at all times. To do otherwise would be a

testing irregularity and must be reported.

Should students notice an approaching tornado and begin to cry, please

make every effort to protect their testing materials from the flow of

tears and sinus drainage.

Should a flying object come through your window during testing, please

make every effort to ensure that it does not land on a testing booklet

or an answer sheet. Please make sure to soften the landing of the flying

object so that it will not disturb the students while testing.

Should shards of glass from a broken window come flying into the room,

have the students use their bodies to shield their testing materials so

that they will not be damaged. Have plenty of gauze on hand to ensure

that no one accidentally bleeds on the answer documents. Damaged answer

sheets will not scan properly.

Should gale force winds ensue, please have everyone stuff their test

booklets and answer sheets into their shirts being very careful not to

bend them because bent answer documents will not scan properly.

If any student gets sucked into the vortex of the funnel cloud, please

make sure they mark at least one answer before departing and of course

make sure they leave their answer sheets and test booklets behind. You

will have to account for those.

Should a funnel cloud pick you, the test administrator, up and take you

flying over the rainbow, you will still be required to account for all

of your testing materials when you land so please take extra

precautions. Remember, once you have checked them out, they should never

leave your hands.

When rescue workers arrive to dig you out of the rubble, please make

sure that they do not, at any time, look at or handle the testing

materials. Once you have been treated for your injuries, you will still

be responsible for checking your materials back in. Search dogs will not

be allowed to sift through the rubble for lost tests. Unless of course

they have been through standardized test training.

Please do not pray should a severe weather situation arise. Your

priority is to actively monitor the test and a student might mark in the

wrong section if you are praying instead of monitoring. I'm sure God

will put war, world hunger, and crime on

hold until after testing is over. He knows how important this test is.

Thank you.

Hopefully you enjoyed that as much as I did!